On being an orphan

Just this week, 5 of my friends became orphans. I've been thinking about what it means to be an orphan at 40 something. Actually, for me it was 30 something. I couldn't give my friends any assurance that the lost feeling of being parentless will go away. In fact, nearly 15 years later it hits me every so often and usually when a significant event happens in my life or the life of my family. For instance, when my brother and sister-in-law got married and then had their first child. Both events were cause for great joy in our family, touched with a bit of sadness that my parents weren't there to celebrate with us. And as my niece and nephews grow up, I often think how much my parents would love to be part of their lives. And how much my sister, brother and I want them to be with us and even still, give us their advice. I still miss my mom and dad. I want my niece and nephews to know their grandparents, but they never will. I haven't tried to replace them with 'other' parents. But God has blessed me with important, mature and wise people who I can turn to when I need a little parenting. It's not the same, but I'm grateful for that blessing.

Being parentless brought my siblings and I closer together. I think we are more concerned about each other and check up on each other more, because we don't have parents who do that. I am so grateful that loss didn't separate us. God keeps us connected and we know we need each other.

Yes, being an orphan is sad even as a grown up. Thank God, He puts us in families, both literally and in the church. To my 5 friends, I'm sorry and I pray comfort and peace for you. I also pray that the emptiness will be filled by your amazing physical family and by your spiritual family. God is faithful and He is our Father who knows what we need.

Transitions

I'm starting the process of writing about transitions. This day has been spent reading through my journals which started before I left for Latvia and continued for a few months into my return to St. Louis. I've also sorted through my notes from the Debriefing and Renewal retreat. It's been an emotional day as I've lived through the highs, lows, excitement, hurt, joy and pain of those 3 plus years. But, it's also made me lonely for those days when my walk with the Lord seemed so much more alive and passionate. I long to return to that desire for an deep, intimacy with Jesus, not just a routine, occasionally charged walk. Oh, don't get me wrong. I find the Lord speaking to me and challenging me to grow and mature regularly. It's the need for Him that seems to have changed. That's what happens when I live in America, I think. But, I can't blame it on that. It's me - independent, proud and selfish. And right now, I think the Lord is trying to do a new thing in me. Lord, do it!

I'm back and rambling...your thoughts on transition would be helpful. I'm thinking it might turn into an Officer Magazine article. We'll see...

In Between Again

I'm considering whether I should shut my blog down or start a new chapter with my move to Chicago? I'm feeling the urge to write again and definitely feel like there will be many new adventures when I get to the College for Officers' Training. But, how many of those can I put down here???!!! I will be learning new things, stretching in new ways and exploring one of my favorite cities once again. I guess that's enough to keep writing about...

Haiti photos

There's so much to tell but I'm still processing. Here are the photos (sorry there are so many!)

haiti 1008

October

october 08"

It's been a busy month but a beautiful one. Here are some pics from a walk through the Sculpture Park one day on my way home from work; Rally Day at Euclid; Officers' Councils in Branson. And early tomorrow I'm on my way with 4 other team members to Haiti for a week. Hopefully, I'll post some pics and a report when I get back.

More Summer Fun!

summer st. louis

summer st. louis

pilgrimage 08

dhq party

Last Day of Vacation

Family

I've written lots about our new addition, Kyle and he is wonderful. I just want to say how much I love my whole family. Abigail and I had so much fun this week. We always do. And I love being at DH with my sister and her husband. It's great to watch them in action and to see and hear how God uses them. And of course, Chris and I always have lots to talk about when we drive around taking care of the multitudes of errands she has to get done. The boys are funny and don't seem to mind hanging out with their aunt Evie. And being with Steve and Ketsia is wonderful, even before Kyle came. Now, it's fun watching them adjusting to parenthood. I'm really blessed with a family who care about each other and like to be together. So, even if it was just for a week - it was a good week and I'm grateful I had it.

family time">

When did he eat last? Is it every 3 hours? Should we have changed him before taking him for a walk? Does he need a hat? Should he be sleeping or awake? All questions that 2 aunts and 1 cousin are asking this evening as we babysit Kyle so his parents can see a movie. A movie, by the way, that Matt and I want to see too, but are graciously letting Steve and Ketsia see first. Kyle is 2 weeks old today and continues to be spoiled by us all. I only have another day and a half before returning to St. Louis and Pilgrimage preparation. I plan to get as much baby time as I can. This week has significance in the Merritt family too - soccer try outs for Matt and Ben. Lots going on here or as Matt described it "this house is crazy!" And then you add the Olympics! (Just what is synchronized diving?) Back to the house - it's a fun place to be with lots of energy and laughs.
One week is definitely not enough time for meeting a new nephew, enjoying the rest of my family and actually getting rested. But, it's what I get and will have to do for now. I probably won't take the remaining days until Christmas.
I've linked my blog to facebook and not sure how I feel about that. I'm not sure how I feel about fb in general. It seems to take over a person's life. It's fun to catch up with old friends but still, so many applications to sort through and some strange, random people asking me to be their friends. Present readers excepted, of course. Tomorrow, a little shopping, baby holding and another day of avoiding lotus notes. I bought a new camera and will try to figure out how to download my pics tomorrow, too.

kyle nelson diaz

I've actually seen and held Kyle today - the first day of my vacation. So, in this album are new pictures which I've taken myself. It's wonderful being with my family and celebrating this special gift. I'm sad that it's only one week, but excited that the Diaz family will spend some time in St. Louis later.

Sundays and other days

Yesterday I started reading the book of Joel. The first chapter is not the happiest, but is certainly relevant. I live in St. Louis, identified as the most dangerous city in America. (as an aside my sister lives in Detroit, 2nd most dangerous and my brother in the not so safe country of Haiti - there's a study for someone but I digress.) This is a depressed city in many areas. If you drive on the north side, you would think they had lived through a war and no one cares about reconstruction. A couple weeks ago I went with my cousin to her northside church, St. Alphonsus the Rock Catholic Church. I'd been promising to go since I moved here and finally it worked out. I went to learn a little more about my cousin, Connie's faith and to get a sense of an active worshipping community in that part of St. Louis. We are doing a strategic study to determine our role and it will be important to have partners in whatever we do. Wow, I was amazed. First, the gospel singing was strong, musical and moving. Connie and her husband are in the choir. It's a multiethnic, spirit-filled group. I loved it! This was the most evangelical service I'd been to in a long time. The priest challenged his congregation (and me) to have a sense of urgency about sharing the gospel message. He preached on the parable of the weeds and said the hope for the weeds was in us. He finished by acknowleding that he preaches on this topic frequently and would continue because St. Louis had not yet seen a revival. He reminded me of our Global Day of Prayer group who are passionate about St. Louis being transformed. I recommitted myself to be involved in this city and whatever little part I can play in bringing the Kingdom here. So, I'll continue to read Joel because I know there is hope and the power of the Holy Spirit coming!
Last weekend I was at CBLI (Central Bible and Leadership Institute) with Darta and Karina. Well, actually, they were with their camp staff friends and I met up with some of my friends. I also got to know some of the Midland young adults a little better. I had one of those moments during the Sunday morning worship. I was sitting with my good friends, Chris and Linda. They have played important roles in the lives of the youth and young adults in the territory. In front of us were Darta, Karina and their friends from this division. In front of them were a group of young adults who I have known all or most of their lives. There sat Nathan, who was in Grand Rapids when I was DYS and sang in my little praise group. Kirsten, who I've known since birth and continue to develop an 'adult' relationship with. Eric and Cathleen, I've watched them grow up and marry and become amazing leaders. Another Nathan, who has grown from a quiet young boy to a mature, engaging young man. I was struck by how blessed I am. I get to see the fruits of my small bits of influence in the lives of so many from here at home, in Latvia and the future blessings of new lives in my life like Jenny, Kelly, Crystal and Rob. There they were all around me. And I haven't even mentioned the dozens of officers who were there and went through training while I was on staff, now serving God faithfully and making a difference. I haven't said it very well, but I was absolutely overwhelmed with the goodness of God and His faithfulness to me. It was also a reminded that I need to live in the present because God has more to do and I want to be part of His work.

Latvia comes to USA

A few photos taken from the girls' (Darta's) 1000's of pictures from the summer. They saved them all on my computer so I have property rights, right?! Karina left on Wednesday and Darta will go next Thursday. It's been a good summer for them.


karina">

darta">

My new nephew, Kyle Nelson Diaz

It's quite a story but briefly, Kyle arrived early and Steve was still in Haiti. He got to Michigan four hours after Kyle was born yesterday. Everyone is very tired but healthy and happy today! I am in St. Louis, wishing I was holding the baby in Michigan. I will be next week!

kyle nelson diaz

kyle nelson diaz

Unshaken

I've spent the last hour catching up on my friends' blog writings, which also caught me up on the happenings in Latvia. My heart is full of memories and longing to see it for myself. Next year!

I've been reading the book of Hebrews and am reminded again of God's character which is really indescribable but so real to me. He is unshakeable, faithful, loving and true. His plans for me are unimaginable but I trust Him. And when life seems shaky, uncertain and just plain crazy - He is all I need.

Why I love the Euclid corps (where I supposedly soldier but only make it once a month.) Several weeks ago one of the key employees/soldiers died suddenly. Tileatha left behind a young son, John. The first Sunday after she died, we had a beautiful service. It wasn't about Tileatha, but of course everyone was thinking of her. Jimmy sang "Blessed Assurance" and as usual, most of us were humming along, fitting in our own parts. Gradually, the chapel got quiet as we heard Jimmy's beautiful voice and one other, rather out of tune, hummer joining in. It was John. He's a special boy and tears began to run down my face as I listened to him confidently humming to these words, "This is my story. This is my song. Praising my Jesus, all the day long!" Simple but sure faith. This past Sunday was my next time at the corps. John came up and before I could ask how he was, he put his arm around me and asked me how I was doing. Soon he will be going to live with his sister. I'll miss him. Also this Sunday we had 6-7 new children come to the corps as a result of an outreach BBQ they did last week. We were pretty sure these kids had never been to church before, but they were so good. Restless, but very sweet. One little girl eventually ended up next to me. I gave her a mint and she immediately wanted enough for the rest of the kids. At the end of the meeting they were all getting a little jumpy and I moved up to help them. My friend and corps officer, Janice, said very firmly "Leave them alone, they aren't disturbing anyone!" Hmmm, sounds like something Jesus said to the disciples. We sang a rousing, old marching song at the end of the meeting. Without any encouragement 3 of the littlest ones held hands, with me on one end and began to march - in place. Already learning how to be good Jr. Soldiers! Maybe we'll make our Come Join Our Army goal after all (for you non-USA readers - don't ask.) I digress...it was an exciting morning and today the corps people are still talking about it and making plans for children's church, certain the kids will come back tomorrow. God has exciting plans for Euclid and I'm glad I get to be a little part of it.

I was on the staff for our divisional music camp (again, sort of as I also had to keep up with all of my divisional secretary duties.) It was a wonderful time to get to know the rest of the faculty and camp staff. Bill and Linda Himes were the guests and I had them mostly to myself, as their host. It was great to catch up and have time for really good conversations. The beginning of the week, it felt like we weren't going to get much accomplished with the campers. They were a young and challenging bunch. But the final concert proved us wrong. Every group performed beautifully and enthusiastically. Not only musically, but they also responded to the spiritual direction of the camp. The faculty were very sensitive in that regard and cared wholeheartedly for the kids. I preached for the Sunday worship and really felt the Lord speaking through me. I know people were praying, because the kids listened and responded. I haven't preached to kids (ages 8-18) for a while and the night before rewrote my sermon and then while I was preaching cut out a few more bits. Well, actually I believe the Holy Spirit took over and said what needed to be said through me. Thank God for His work.

And throughout all of these days, the flood continues. To make it more 'disastrous', the disaster director quit as of the end of June. I spent a few weeks working through resumes and talking with applicants, finally settling on someone who works at DHQ. He officially starts in a month, but is doing more than his share helping me get through the flood relief work, thanks to his current boss. That's taken most of my time and energy and is why I've come home at night thinking I might write here or send a few emails but end up watching a little TV and going to bed. I think things are turning around and maybe I'll be able to enjoy the last few weeks of summer. If you are interested in what's been happening visually - see the photos below.

Summer Fun!

Time with the girls

zoo and deer

Time with Steve and Ketsia

steveketsia

Time at Music Camp with friends

mmi

The reason I don't blog anymore

Today:

• got to work late because yesterday was a 13+hour day
• immediately was asked to take a national advisory board member on a tour of our disaster team center (we are in disaster mode because of the Mississippi and Wabash river flooding)
• 9:30 phone interview with prospective new employee
• 10:00 Disaster team meeting
• 11:00 off to the Wm. Booth donor luncheon
• a few minutes later an urgent call to come back earlier than planned because I need to do a phone interview with MSNBC
• 1:15 back to the office. phone interview cancelled but do a TV interview on site for local station
• 2:45 another prospective employee interview
• 3:00-5:45 work in Disaster team command center
• off to get my hair cut and home by 8:00 to fix dinner
• now - exhausted
• tomorrow - 5-11 p.m. telethon to raise money for flood relief
• and then????? but really - I'm having a good time!

What's been happening in the last few weeks:

may june 08'

may june 08

Tears are OK! (click here)

This one is for me and for many of you out there who find yourself surprised by tears.

Who's your audience?

The conferences and learning experiences don't end. After the two seminars related to ethnic and urban ministries I had a few days in the office to get caught up. That Sunday I had a fun opportunity to go to a Methodist Church in the city and share the Army story. It was Methodist Women's Sunday and so I focused on women in SA history and our ministry to women and families. In 20 minutes I did that and threw in a short sermon. Talk about a challenge. I think it worked. They were a hospitable and gracious congregation, anyway. Just a few days later I left for the Territorial Writers' Conference. After everything else I'd been to, it probably wasn't necessary to be gone again. But this conference was for me - I love writing and want to be better and more disciplined about it. I'm glad I went because I did get motivated - well, for a while anyway. I have a page full of ideas for some article or sermon. We'll see where they take me. I've also been challenged by the question in the title. I started thinking in this direction during the first two seminars and it was reinforced at this one. "Who's your audience?" - of course, I wonder about this blog. I wonder about the division, I wonder about this city and our role in it. Who should we be serving? Where is the need and how can we connect?
A day later we had Youth Councils. It was the first for our DYs, who did a great job. And it was my first in this division. I actually recognized a lot of the teens/young adults from my visits to corps. My own corps, Euclid, had a good delegation - all boys! They were so much fun to watch and get to know a little better. It was a powerful weekend and the Holy Spirit did move. I believe the young adults, especially, can and will be the catylst for a spiritual movement in the division.
And while I would love to be writing about all of the reflecting I've been doing on these learning experiences, they didn't end. A few days later I flew to Chicago for a day to be part of the Multicultural Committee. We were planning our next conference. It was a good but hard day. And I'll never do that in one day again. I came home sick and stayed home Saturday. But couldn't do that on Sunday. I was at the Arnold corps in the morning. Since it was Mother's Day, I decided to preach about the Canaanite woman who came to Jesus asking for healing for her daughter. It's not an easy passage but was fun to study. I've been reading Philip Yancey's Prayer and he refers to this event. Check it out. I'd love to have a conversation with someone about the Scripture. Yancey's book, too. The people were very responsive. It was a good morning, but by the end I had nearly lost my voice and felt pretty awful. That didn't matter, because my next few hours would be spent at the Global Day of Prayer, held at Busch Stadium. I've been part of the planning committee and put together a team of greeters for the event. We had a dozen guys from the Adult Rehab Center. I love working with them - they are so helpful and a blessing. There were also 6-7 more officers/ employees/soldiers who helped. The day started very cold, windy and rainy. I'd been praying since Saturday morning for good weather, but it sure didn't seem hopeful. In fact practically, we should probably have cancelled. But, this is a faith-filled group and we went on. Sure enough, we started at 4 and about 4:05 just as we were getting ready to worship and pray, they sun shone directly on the field! It was awesome! Because I was on the planning team, I got to sit right behind home plate. Of course, I forgot my camera so you can't get a good picture of the view. It was overwhelming to see the city behind the screens, the sun shining through the clouds and a hundred dancers praising the Lord enthusiastically. Sometimes I long to be back in Europe, but these days I'm more and more certain that St. Louis is where I'm supposed to be. The Lord is giving me a longing for this city to change and people to be transformed. That was confirmed as we prayed in small groups during the afternoon. And I'm excited about how God is going to put His plan in place and feel blessed to be in this place where God wants to work.

spring08">

Whew! This life is exhausting! These are a few pictures of what's been happening this spring. A few highlights:

• Jordans and Viki came for a couple of days and I kept them busy! Putting up pictures, moving chairs, sightseeing at the Arch and visiting my favorite park with the bison and elk. We drove right through a herd of elk but I forgot my camera! Ask the girls. And then they were gone - too quickly.
• Maria left the next day in the middle of a horrible rain storm but she got to Canada safely and is having a good time there, I'm sure. It's quiet here and I'm not so good at making healthy meals just for me.
• We had terrible flooding in St. Louis over Easter and the Army was on duty. That work is part of my responsibility - not to do it but to support the disaster service director. I am learning a lot about floods. And just this week, a little earthquake. No damage, but made us think about our preparations.
• I have been out visiting several corps in the division. I'm still enjoying getting to know the officers a little better and seeing them in action. And now, I'm feeling like I know a lot more of the soldiers and can put them in context of their home corps. I like it here!
• We had officers visiting from Ghana, Majors Baah. They went around the area sharing their amazing story of God's grace and protection while they served in Liberia during the civil war. If you have a chance to hear or read their story, do it. You will be inspired and humbled by their testimony.
• My good, good friends, Mark and Carolee Israel came for our Sr. Rally. What a blessing to have them in my home and get in some precious time for catching up. We all had lots to talk about.
• I've been to two seminars and my head is still swimming with too much information and inspiration and ideas of how to implement what I learned. The first was the Ethnic Ministries Summit, which was a real spiritual blessing and a great resource for our strategic planning. It was also fun, as there were a number of Army people from our division and around the country. As I said before, I'm having a good time getting better acquainted with officers and employees in this division and this seminar was another chance for that. Also, I heard lots of powerful preaching which often made me want to jump out of my seat and yell, AMEN!
• The next seminar was in Chicago, an Urban theological symposium. Not quite as inspirational, much more intellectual. Since it followed the other immediately, I'm afraid I didn't get as much out of it as I should have. But still, came away with some new concepts to challenge my thinking and more good fellowship with Army friends.

These have been good days and some more difficult. I guess I'm still in transition and wondering about our crazy American way of life. Just when I think I'm over the edge, God comes near and reminds me that He knows it all and I'm right where He wants me. All of the things I've mentioned here are part of God's work - a conversation here, a time of worship there, a laugh with corps officers and a prayer with others. All of it, evidence of God at work not just in my little world but in His great big world. And all of it, drawing me closer to Him - just where I need to be.